ZKP ~ kata Pak Hassan Muthalib

4-Apr @malaysian-cinema

2 ZOMBIES IN KG PISANG

FRANKENSTEIN: Hey, Drac. Heard you have a cameo in ZOMBIE KG PISANG.

DRACULA: Must go global, you know. I even have awebsite. You know – WEB - SITE! I catch a few that way. Hey, Frankie. How about you?

FRANKENSTEIN: No luck! All the actors perform like me, I’m out of a job. You know, acting stiff – like kayu!

DRACULA: Thank God – er, the Devil – that I’ve no competition. Oh, on the other hand, I think I may have- the film producers!

FRANKENSTEIN: I know what you mean. They suck! Hey, Draccy, who’s this Kairospirit guy? Should we pay him a visit? You know, a nice friendly one – like inviting him to a graveyard rap party, then take him underground to see your portraits? He’s giving us monsters a bad name!

DRACULA: Yeah, what’s his problem, man – er, monster! We should sue him for plagiarizing style. Can’t he come up with something original?

FRANKENSTEIN: Aah, you know-lah the writers in the papers. Tomorrow you transfer them to the cookery section & suddenly they’re gourmets & start to disagree with all the chefs in Malaysia! Like that guy in the other paper what’s his name? Ak – Ak –

DRACULA: (Concerned). Hey, Frankie, you okay? Why are you choking?

FRANKENSTEIN: No, no, that guy, his name begins with Ak something!

DRACULA: Akash?

FRANKENSTEIN: No, no. We’ll let him live. He’s makinga feature film.

DRACULA: Aaron?

FRANKENSTEIN: No, worse than that joker!

DRACULA: Akshay?

FRANKENSTEIN: Aishwarya will do him in. Saves us the trouble.

DRACULA: Oh, you mean that zombie!

FRANKENSTEIN: Yeah, man – er – vampire! You finally got it! Here, drink some blood. Fresh from a few entertainment writers. Slightly polluted but, hey,blood is blood!

***

19-Apr @malaysian-cinema

THE ZOMBIE DIALOGUES 2

“ALAHAI MAMAT KHALID, APA DAH JADI, BANG…?”Two zombies are hiding from the police in a newspaper office by masquerading as writers. They pass unnoticed. How come? (If you need me to tell you, you’re worse than a zombie!). To avoid suspicion, they chat with each other on office computers.

ZOMBIE 1: Hey, get a load of dis article. The joker says ZOMBI KG PISANG is a comedy. What school he went to, ha? One of those smart schools, ah?!

ZOMBIE 2: Watch it! He’s a senior guy, you know. Years of experience. Film writer and film lover.

ZOMBIE 1: Ha, ha. The more senior, the more zombie! Looks like he never got - ‘THE MESSAGE’! Get it? - -THE MESSAGE. Like another zombie from the same paper. He wrote that ZOMBI KG PISANG is ‘pregnant with messages.’ Mamat Khalid, you better stop making films and sell burger-lah! You wasted your time making this movie! They’re really zombies! They don’t get it. Very scary, woh! The real zombies are not in the movie, they’re all out there – masquerading as writers, producers, directors, actors…..you name it-lah!

ZOMBIE 2: So pray, tell me. What’s ‘the message’ of Mamat Khalid?

ZOMBIE 1: You pray, I tell you, brader. Sure I tell you wan! I taiko, mah! This film - parody.

ZOMBIE 2: Pa-ro-dy. Nice! Rhymes with bran-dy.

ZOMBIE 1: Related, mah! You kena a little brandy, semua boleh jadi! Okay, okay, back to the chase. Whoever eat in Warong Munawer will become zombie. In my considered opinion, ah, this warong stand for theMalaysian film industry, same-lah like in ‘Man Laksa.’Like what the Mat Salleh penjajah say: me-ta-for. In Malay, me-ta-fo-ra.

ZOMBIE 2: Oh, very nice! Rhymes with po-rah! So, you mean the industry is made up of zombies? Why do the zombies – in the movie , I mean – walk around saying: ‘O-tak, o-tak.’

ZOMBIE 1: The film people want the audience punyaotak-lah! Give them all those silly films, warp their brain. Still they want some more of the same! Can’t understand-lah! This one, national agenda, ah?

ZOMBIE 2: Okay, professor. Tell me, what about the Community Hall? What does it stand for?

ZOMBIE 1: The institutions-lah! Helping the industry.You see all those flags everywhere? Don’t want to say some more-lah! After, I kena gam!

ZOMBIE 2: But you’re a zombie, why worry? You’re supposed to be dead.

ZOMBIE 1: Excuse me! Zombie also like to eat Kentucky, ah. Need money, mah!

ZOMBIE 2: So, what about the scene in the Community Hall where they stand on the table poking at the zombies with the Malaysian flag and then posing likethe National Monument?

ZOMBIE 1: The institutions, ah, they also want to make movie – filem patriotik – filem nationalistic. Macam-macam stik-lah! But the films still look like zombie make them.

ZOMBIE 2: Wow, you really know your stuff! You should be teaching in film schools!

ZOMBIE 1: I apply to ASWARA. They say cannot. That guy, Azwana, he say I must drive Iswara. How can? You picture-lah, zombie drive a car! But actually I made bigger mistake. I accidentally say ASWARA RAI. So he throw me out!

ZOMBIE 2: Don’t worry-lah. I think they have enough zombies there already. Oh, oh! Here comes the king of the zombies!

ZOMBIE 1: Who? Kairospirit, ah?

ZOMBIE 2: No. Worse! Zombie Pencemar Budaya!

(To be continued)