THE ZOMBIE DIALOGUES 3 ~ Hassan Muthalib

A HORRIFIC THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE….While escaping from the authorities, two zombiess tumbled on to a rock concert. The manager thought they were rockers and dragged them behind the stage towait their turn. One of them is (or was – you can’t tell nowadays!), a film lecturer. It is rumoured thathe had an M. A. (No, no. Not ‘Mad and Addled’!).

ZOMBIE 1: Hey, cool, man – er – zombie! I always wanted to be a rocker!

ZOMBIE 2: Just like in ZOMBI KG PISANG. You can’t tell the difference between the zombies and the rockers.(Solemnly looks upwards). Message! Message for the entertainment writers.

ZOMBIE 1: Same like in Mamat’s movie, ROCK?

ZOMBIE 2: Yeah, he was making fun of Malays who want to behave and look like hantu! And Nasir Jani taught it was a homage. Ha, ha! I wonder where he’s going throw his brick?

ZOMBIE 1: Oh, so it wasn’t about remembering the 1970 sand all that.

ZOMBIE 2: No. But parody is not only making fun of but also referring to history. Good thing Ajami Hashim is doing his bit to educate our filmgoers. The fun in parody is in trying to decipher which scenes are from which movie. So far I see only U-Wei, Shuhaimi Baba and Yasmin Ahmad who are adept at this.

ZOMBIE 1: Wah, you terror of the terrorist, lah! Pray tell in which scenes.

ZOMBIE 2: Zombie where got pray one?

ZOMBIE 1: One zombie in ZOMBI KG PISANG! One of them said ‘As salamu alaikum.’ But how come human give salam in LOVE CONQUERS ALL, censor board cut?

ZOMBIE 2: Ah, that one sensitive! Have to jaga national security. Close one eye, lah! Back to the chase. You saw PEREMPUAN, ISTERI DAN….., LAYAR LARA and MUKHSIN?

ZOMBIE 1: Only pirate DVD.

ZOMBIE 2: Aiyaa, you real zombie, lah! No wonder Malay films don’t make money. Ending of PEREMPUAN…. – copy HANG TUAH, the 1950s Singapore film. House surrounded by villagers, the hero comes and is the only one to go into the house to confront the villain. 15th century –21st century. No change. Mentality still the same. LAYAR LARA – not homage but saying, ‘Eh, you veterans, enough-lah! We actors of today maybe not so disciplined, but we can reach heights you cannot. Because you no got SPM. Some also cannot read and write! Why you still haunting us? Enough-lah!

ZOMBIE 1: (To himself). This guy got M. A. from where ah? Warisan must respect-lah! No old guys, where got young guys?!

ZOMBIE 2: (Getting carried away). MUKHSIN – homage to P Ramlee’s ANTARA DUA DARJAT. The rain scene where they push the car, they’re enjoying themselves. Also the keroncong song.

ZOMBIE 1: Wah, like that U-Wei, Shumi, Yasmin should get award already!

ZOMBIE 2: Cannot! Their films not enough violence, sex and Mat Rempit! How about ZOMBI KG PISANG?

ZOMBIE 1: All the zombies look like they plastered some flour on their faces, no?

ZOMBIE 2: Yeah, but I thought Tayangan Unggul didn’t have enough money for make-up effects?

ZOMBIE 1: That one the other company-lah for JANGAN PANDANG MY GLUTEUS MAXIMUS!

ZOMBIE 2: Er – that Roman period film I never saw,lah! (Zombie 1 rolls his eyes and tries to strangle himself).

ZOMBIE 2: Okay, so the flour-plastered faces in ZOMBIKG PISANG pay homage to which film?

ZOMBIE 1: Those PONTIANAK films of the 1950s, lah. You can see it’s just white powder. That time scary, lah! Then also listen to some of the dialogue. Very bad, isn’t it? Mamat copying the bad dialogue writing and acting of some contemporary films and TV drama.

ZOMBIE 1: Like zombies writing. So Mamat making fun of Malay movies and TV dramas now, ah? All of them very silly one?

ZOMBIE 2: That one you ask him! (Stands to attentionand salutes) ‘Cintai Filem Malaysia.’ ‘Filem Kita Wajah Kita.’ And for good measure - (Sings): ‘Budi Bahasa Budaya Kita.’

ZOMBIE 1: (Ignoring him). You saw ZOMBI KG PISANG already, ah?

ZOMBIE 2: Wait for pirate DVDlah! Now all cinemas full house. Two days cross RM300,000 already. Cannot get ticket!

ZOMBIE 1: You buy pirate DVD, I kill you!

ZOMBIE 2: (Dances gleefully). Ha, ha! Can’t kill me! Yeah, yeah! Can’t kill me! I’m already dead! Yeah, yeah!

ZOMBIE 1: (Grins devilishly). Okay, I’ll lock you up in a cinema and screen all the 20 over films of a certain prolific producer over and over again! Nanti muntah darah, mah!

ZOMBIE 2: (Horrified). No, no, anything but that!! I confess! I did it! I did that Mongolian thing! I took the RM20 million! I bought the high-speed train! I’ll confess to anything! I belanja you honey chicken briyani and teh tarik at Mahbob Restoran in Lucky Garden, Bangsar! Best honey chicken in KL! (Tocamera). Gua part-time advertise for the mamak! Mau hidup, mah!

ZOMBIE 1: (To himself). Wah, this zombie better actor than all those guys on the screen!

(To be continued).

ref: malaysian-cinema